.

They are mostly going fine, except I'm never speaking to Harpy again. The last time she was in this house was Christmas 2009. She usually goes on about how she's not coming over for a holiday, and then last minute she calls and says "Pick me up". Until after Christmas 2009 that is, she just stopped showing up all together. It was fine by me.

Everytime we are at her apartment, tension builds and like Cockroach says: "It's agony". We all turn against eachother to keep her negative attention off of us. When she cuts one of us up, the others keep quiet. I'm surprised I have never burst into tears (at least not since I was 10 maybe). Then when we leave, we breathe easier and feel more alive. After being on the phone with her, we actually feel physically drained.

Last night, my sister M was running errands (which included buying Harpy groceries apparently) but her car broke down. I guess she forgot to tell this to Harpy. At 8 (ish) this morning, Harpy called here and started bitching loudly at Beast about how she's done with everything and that she's not coming over for Christmas, and then hung up, like a child. Actually, she's the only person I've ever known personally that hangs up on people. No offense to children. She must have called M also, because we called her to ask about her car and she was crying. She couldn't stay on the phone because she was at work. It was her birthday on Saturday.

So I am done with that bitch. If she does end up coming over for Christmas, I'm staying in my room, I've had worse Christmases anyway. No one in our family seems to truly like the holiday anyway. If she doesn't, than good. I turn 20 in ten days and I'm no longer going to let her control me with fear and guilt and all of that shit. I almost want to send her a letter saying "I am sure Jesus will forgive you for the pain you have caused us, but I will not." But I wont because then she'll probably have an "accident" and complain how no one was there for her.

Anyway, I'm not as angry about it anymore. Except for the phonecall, depressed mother and crying sister, it's been a good day. Not that different from any other day.

So, at the beginning of the month, I have to print out about six and thirty reports. All together, they are about an inch and a half thick.

I managed to do this months rather quickly, and gave it to my boss on Tuesday morning. She goes through them, makes notes and gives them back, then I distribute copies. I call it the Monthly Massacre of Trees, since we use so much paper. Anyway I have to do it before the weekend, because many of them get updated over the weekend and the ones I printed out will end up outdated.

She has still not given them back. Today is a busy day, especially since the receptionist and the woman who becomes the back up receptionist when the first one is gone, are both gone. Even if she does give me back the reports today (will probably be at 3pm and I will proceed to freak out and miss my afternoon break), most people probably will not see them until Monday, when they are outdated.

I was hoping she would give them to me yesterday, instead she told me to print a bunch of stuff off of a website, and it ended up being three inches of paper. It better get used. We do recycle here, but that's still a huge waste.

Ugh, the internship people are supposed to be coming here soon, I hope it's Tuesday morning so I don't have to sit through the two and a half hour meeting. A meeting that was supposed to take place today.

Anyway, not many people in the office today. And a lot of the ones who are, are in the lunchroom livin' it up and eating cookies.

Last night, I started watching a movie called The Sentinel from 1977. It's not really good, but it has a bunch of people I love like: Christopher Walken, Eli Wallach, Chris Sarandon (though with a moustache that does not work on him), José Ferrer, etc. Anyway, it's about this model to goes to live in a lovely New York apartment, and it just so happens to be the entrance to hell. The city looks very good in this movie though, usually it doesn't in horror movies.

Next week, I will have 15 work days left of my internship. They have not found an new intern, so my stay here may be extended. I would of course say yes, but decided to make a pro/con list anyway. Well, it’s actually a pro/pro list, since I don’t really make pro/con lists and messed up on it.

Pros of Staying:
1. More money
2. More experience
3. Feeling of security, I don’t have to go job hunting
4. More time away from Cockroach, as she works afternoons. So right now, for the most part I only see her on the weekends.
5. Magazines and office supplies, I’ll let you decide what that means
6. Makes me feel useful, I am less likely to try and hurt myself if I have responsibilities, though see #8 in below list
7. Could lead to other employment opportunities, the intern before last stayed as a receptionist for a few months and now works in another district
8. Gives my life structure, I sometimes get freaked out if I do not have a plan
9. Get to read more Daily Lit

Pros of Leaving:
1. Less crying, hopefully
2. More time to get things done, I keep putting things off until the weekend, and then I never do them
3. No more monthly appraisals or doing other things that being in intern entails. If this were a normal job, no one would give a shit that I don’t eat my lunch in the lunchroom.
4. Sleep in and stay up later, at least until I get another job or start school. I don’t really sleep in much anyway. Usually never past 8:15
5. Eat better, I think I’ve lost weight since I’ve been here as I’ve been crying in the mornings and can never get a decent breakfast in or forget to make some kind of lunch
6. Less sitting at desk doing nothing, see #9 in above list
7. Less time having to take the bus, walk (added to that, less time coming in contact with creepy dudes) or bother Drunkard for a ride, which means saving money also. Until I find another job or start school.
8. Some people here make me feel utterly useless
9. Can get away from fluorescent lighting, at least until I find another job or start school

When I wrote these down, the “Pros of Leaving” list was much larger, but I omitted a few for being either stupid or pathetic. I am totally messed up with this. I don’t want them to find another intern because I want more money, but then I hope they do because I am not at all happy with many things.

I am not too fond of getting blamed for things here, and at home. Sometimes when it happens here, I start thinking "Holy crap, maybe I did do it."

Watched an Orson Welles movie called "The Trial". There's a part where Anthony Perkins is telling someone about how when he was in school, when the teacher was pissed off about something and was looking for the guilty party, he started believing it was him. Or something, I am horrible at explaining things.

Anyway, it's a weird movie and you should see it if you like weird like me. A lot of movies from the 60's were weird because they were getting more experimental and didn't have to censor as much. Also I think the writers and directors were all trying out drugs.

Off topic. I think I have a complex. There must be a name for it.

I might not get the internship because I class is taking too long and they wont wait, even though the cunt encouraged me to take the class when I could have easily rescheduled it. Earlier today I was blaming myself and on the verge of tears, now I've moved on to blaming other people.